My 2014 in Hindsight

Ahh... So it's 2015. Wow. That was it. That was 2014. It was a spectacular year to say the least. My... where to begin?

Travels. Yes. It was a year of unplanned, spur-of-the-moment kind of travels. Which reminds me that I should really try to redo my blogsite and work on that long-overdue "Adventures" tab on my homepage. I think I'm falling in love with travelling and learning history, and exchanging smiles with unfamiliar faces. And drinking coffee at some local coffee shop and talking to God about the many things I am grateful for... on top of them, the gift of coffee.

Doulos Winter Retreat in Utah in January/February 2014

California beach getaway with Doulos for the spring.

Fourth of July in Seattle with family.

Doulos helping out at Operation Blessing in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

At the back is a lighthouse in Maine.

Dinner with friends in downtown Portsmouth.

Red Sox game in Boston, with Doulos.

Day trip to NYC with Doulos.

Selfie at the White House in DC with some good friends.

Washington DC

In Pennsylvania for the Lange's wedding.

Finding inspiration at Yale University in Hartford.

Stalking T. Swift's house in Rhode Island.

Visiting Harriet Beecher-Stowe and Mark Twain's houses in Hartford.

Grand Central Terminal, NY Public Library, and Liberty Island.

New York City was as rich, vibrant and beautiful as they said it was.

Harvard University. 

MIT. Land of the geeks. lol

Boston never fails to inspires me. There's so much history in this place.

At the beginning of 2014... I was in the midst of finishing my three-month probation at my first "real" nursing job. My first REAL nursing job! I'm finally hanging real IV medications and sticking needles on people! Okay. You know I'm just kidding, right? I know it's not fun for my patients, believe me, it breaks my heart more than you know. One full year of nursing and caring for the sick has taught me lessons that I will probably cherish for the rest of my life. And just before the year ended, after more than 250 applications and countless discouraging rejection emails, I finally got hired at a medical/surgical unit! Thank You Lord!

This year has been kind of a mix between rocky and dull when it comes to my relationship with God. I've had better years. But I'd say, this year was probably one of the most humbling. After 10 years of being a Christian, things kind of started to feel a little dry. You know, when you first begin following Him, there's kind of that "honeymoon" stage where you're so in love with Him and it's like you're walking on the clouds. It wasn't a question of whether or not following Him was the best decision I ever made in my entire life. But it was more of trying to recall what made me fall in love with Him in the first place. Once I started forgetting that He is the source of my joy and my strength, I began to look for other sources to satisfy my soul. And we all know how that goes. But a couple of hours before 2014 ended, on December 31st during a Wednesday night church service, after ignoring symptoms of supraventricular tachycardia, cold and clammy skin, and mild anxiety (which I think are the classic clinical signs and symptoms of "Hey, God's calling you!"), on the third and final altar call, I couldn't fight it any longer so I finally caved in. I went forward and humbled myself, sought forgiveness and recommitted my life to the Lord. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. I was liberated. I can never thank Him enough for all His goodness towards me.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I played an old playlist on my itunes and I came across this song. Which I think perfectly described how my 2014 went. The song is called, "Daughter of Grace." I hope you enjoy the song and that it reminds you as well of a loving God who desires to clothe us in His mercy and grace.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

How was your 2014? :)

Uniquely Beautiful

A junior high girl sat next to me and said, "I wanna be you!"

What? Did I hear that right? Someone actually wants to be me? To be in my shoes? To be Adelle? I think it was the first time someone said that to me and meant it. I felt so honored and encouraged... and unworthy.

Honestly, there's a lot of times when I get caught up admiring other people and wishing I was as cool, or as talented, or as pretty, or as smart, or as wealthy as them. And I often forget that God made me so uniquely beautiful in His sight and I am a masterpiece that He is proud of. He made every little quirk in my personality and He loves me just as I am! He placed me strategically right where He wants me to be, with just the right amount of tools and resources that I need, in order to fulfill my calling for this temporal life on earth.

Ahhhhh! Thank You, Jesus! Thank You for loving me.

It's all about LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

This week, someone at work asked me, "Are Christians not allowed to drink?"

I told her, "Well, it's not like that. It depends on your convictions. I personally don't. But I know people who do. What's clear in the Bible though is that we're not supposed to get drunk." There's a lot more I wish I could have said. But time was limited and I didn't feel like the Lord wanted me to keep going.

The most common misconception about Christianity is that we're an organized religious group that imposes a bunch of "do's and don'ts" on its members.

No. It's not like that.

Genuine Christianity is all about love. Christianity is about knowing Christ and following His example. We are all sinners and we all have fallen short of God's glory. God is holy, and we are not. So it's impossible to have fellowship with God. That's why the Father sent His one and only Son, Jesus, to die on the cross and pay the penalty of our sins. He became a Mediator between us and the Father. So once we realize the depths of His love for us, we can't help but fall in love with Him! And when you love someone, you wanna do things that please them. That's how it's like with the Lord. We just wanna keep doing things that please His heart.

That's Christianity.

Pray. Trust. Wait.

*lubb dubb lubb dubb* If you can hear my heartbeat, you'll know I'm nervous right now. Not a lot of my friends know that I love writing songs. I said "I love". I didn't say I'm good at it. But I just enjoy it. A lot. I love playing the guitar and singing to the Lord. I love the feeling of connecting with Him and being able to express what my heart feels at the moment through the lyrics and melody. When I'm singing to Him, He doesn't care if I'm out of tune or if my fingers get caught in the strings. He simply listens to my heart. It's one of my most favorite times with the Lord!

Then there are some instances when I would run out of songs that have the words that convey how I really feel. So in those moments, I'd sense a strong desire to let out my emotions, and that's how I usually end up writing a song.

I'm 23 right now (turning 24 in October!), single, with a relatively stable job, marrying age... I would be lying if I said I don't think about... yes, my future husband. This year has been quite especially hard. A lot of my friends either started dating, are getting engaged, or getting married. They're literally everywhere I can't even avoid them! Of course I know Jesus is enough for me! Of course I know Jesus is the only one who can satisfy my heart! But no matter how much I deny it, there are days when the silence gets too loud, and loneliness becomes unbearable. I sometimes wonder, is there really someone for me? Will he really be worth the wait?

So every time I feel like doubting, or feel like giving up, or feel impatient, I try to remind myself that Jesus has it all figured out! He knows my desires. He knows my needs. He knows my future! No matter how enticing it may be to do things the way the rest of the world does it, I trust and know that God's ways are better than ours. We can always try to work things out our own way, but our story will end waaaaaaayyyy better, when we let God write it for us!

*lubb dubb lubb dubb* I'm nervous again. So I've been wanting to post some of the songs that God has given me. But I've always been afraid. Afraid of not being good enough, afraid of being judged, afraid of being rejected... But I realized, "What if God wants to use these songs to encourage even just one person who's going through the same struggles?" Then I am robbing Him of the glory He deserves! So I'm taking a leap of faith, and I'm deciding to overcome my fear of rejection. And I think this is the perfect time to begin... :D

I hope you will listen to the lyrics more than the notes. :p But criticisms are always welcome and are actually solicited for! Praying it'll be a blessing and encouragement for you as it has been to for me! Don't grow weary. Pray. Trust. Wait!



Pray, Trust, Wait

Verse 1:

It’s a feeling I try to deny

But You tell me You understand

Oh why should I long for more

When all I ever need is Your love

Jesus, You satisfy my soul

  

Verse 2:

And the world wants me to believe

That I’m missing out on something real

When all of it are pleasures temporary

It’s foolishness to keep trying

To work it out on my own

Chorus:

Oh You’ve got it all figured out

Teach me, Lord, to pray, trust and wait

Wait, til the time is right

Wait, til I’m stripped of my pride

Til my eyes are fixed on You

I’ll pray, I'll trust, and wait

Bridge:
Jesus if it’s not from You

Then I don’t want it at all

If it’s not Your will

Then what good will it bring?

Coz You’ve got it all figured out

Jesus breathes life back into my cold heart.

326A. They told me she was a hard patient. She refuses all her medications and wants to go home, against medical advise (AMA). She had congestive heart failure and her once strong body now needs constant oxygen supplementation in order to survive. Going home AMA is a foolish decision any adult in her place should know. Yes, I knew she had her reasons, but none of us had any time to spare nor patience for her drama. Every one is just through with her, not excluding myself. That noon, she signed the AMA form which releases me from any legal responsibilities toward her. She can go home, or die anytime now and I won't be held liable. But hold on, she's still here! She has no means of going home. No one to pick her up. No family. No friends. No idea how to call a cab driver. That day was so busy and I had so many things going on in my head while juggling a handful different tasks all at the same time. Then Jesus knocked on my heart, "Adelle, do you have a few minutes to spare for my daughter?" Jesus breathed life back into my cold heart.

I went to her room. "Miss 326A, how are you doing?" I tried to reiterate to her the reason why the doctor wants to keep her in the hospital and the possible consequences of her decision. "I understand. But I've had enough. I'm just ready to go home. I'm sick and tired of this place." I stood there silently, battling thoughts in my head whether to get frustrated at her stubborness or to try to love on her just as Jesus wanted me to. And then she started opening up. She told me her husband lost his battle to cancer just 6 months ago. I sat down at the edge of her bed to listen more intently. And as I looked at her beautiful blue eyes, my frozen heart was thawed, my blinded eyes began to see again, before me is a person, a broken and weary soul. She has given up. She has lost the will to live. I knew there was nothing I could say or do in my strength to make her stay any longer, so before I left, I asked if I could pray for her. After praying, I gave her a hug and told her to take care of herself. But as I pulled away, she began sharing a story to me, "You know when my husband passed away, I dreamt about him. I saw him sitting on a chair in our house. He was with our dogs who have also passed away. And he was smiling at me, very peaceful. My husband didn't really believe in anything. But when I saw him, I just knew he was in a better place." Her once stern facade began to melt away and her eyes started to well up with tears. "Thank you for your time. I'll be okay. Bless your heart, child."

She ended up going home that day. I have no news what happened to her. But I have faith that the same God who takes care of me, has her safe in His hands.

Nursing is tough. Everyday has it's own challenges. There have been countless nights that I dreaded coming back to work, mornings that I just don't wanna wake up, and days that I just feel like throwing in the towel and walking away. I don't mean to be heartless but sometimes, the demands of this job just tend to turn me into a task-oriented monster and a medication-administering zombie, and sucks all the love and compassion out of me. But Jesus has been so faithful to sustain me. Every single morning, Jesus brings me to my knees to beg for His love, joy, peace and strength to keep me throughout the day. I wouldn't survive a day without Him pouring His love into my heart so I can have something to give out. I have nothing to brag about except for the fact that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that in my weakness, Jesus always comes through.

"I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me." - Psalm 3:5

'And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness," Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.' - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

The Dream Giver

In 2009, someone gave me this journal. I write on it whenever the Lord tells me something about the future. It came at a perfect time when I was close to graduating from college, and God has begun to stir up these desires in my heart. Desires for something more. Desires for something beyond me. Desires to be who God created me to be and to maximize the potentials and the gifts and talents He has entrusted me with.

I don't understand it all the time. But every now and then I would get this really antsy feeling inside of me and I feel like I'm gonna explode if I don't do something right away. Thoughts like these would pop up in my head, "Lord, am I really where you want me to be at the moment? Where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to quit my job? Apply somewhere else? Consider going back to school? Move someplace else? Whaaattt?" It's like something inside of me can't wait to break free!

Maybe that's the little dreamer device that God has built in inside of me to remind me that He has me here for a purpose and that I shouldn't waste any time or energy on things that don't really direct me towards the goal that He has set for me to hit.

God is our Dream Giver. In Psalm 37:4 it says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Most people take it as God grants whatever desires you have in Your heart as long as you seek Him. But for me, it's like this, "As we delight ourselves in Him, He gives us desires in our heart towards the things He has for us. It's as though He copies the desires in His heart and puts them in ours so that we become one with Him in purpose and direction."

It's an amazing blessing to know that your dreams are never too big because you know that if it was from the Dream Giver, it's gonna be Him who will lead you to it. And at the end of the day, He will receive the glory that is due Him! 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

It's unbelievable how after 23 years, I'm still in the process of getting to know myself. I'm constantly discovering new things about me, understanding how or why I do things or feel a certain way, discovering my passions and desires, dreams and aspirations. It's silly but it's like I'm starting to love myself. Not in a narcissistic kind of way. But I'm learning to love myself and appreciate how beautiful God made me to be. The more I know myself in the light of how God sees me, the more I see how intricately beautiful I am. I say this not to be haughty, but in the hopes of opening your eyes to the fact that you are beautiful as well! You are fearfully and wonderfully made! You were made in the image of God and you're beautiful just the way you are. 💕

For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! (Psalms 139:13-17 NKJV)

Valentine's Day

So today is Valentine's day and I went out on a date! We spent an afternoon at the park, just me and the Lord. 

I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish I was spending this day with the person that God has prepared for me. But I would be foolish too if I said that this day would have been perfect if that was so. Because for me, this moment is perfect! Just as it is! Just me and Jesus. This is beautiful! It couldn't get any better than this and I wouldn't have spent this day any other way!

I opened my facebook and instagram this morning and it was flooded with so many pictures of girls taking pictures of the flowers or chocolates or gifts their guy or their fathers gave them, or selfies of couples on a date. It was pretty intense. But much to my surprise, I wasn't jealous. I was happy. I was genuinely happy. God gave me a sense of peace and assurance in my heart, that His love is all that I need, His love is enough, and His love alone satisfies.

Disney movies, hollywood love stories, and love songs has shaped my idea of a perfect love story. But when I became a Christian, I realized that the greatest love story was when Jesus proposed to me on the cross! He died that I may live! What could be more perfect than that love?! Don't get me wrong. Falling in love and finding the person God has prepared for me is an amazing blessing. But if I think that that is what will satisfy my heart, I will always end up thirsting for more.

As I was writing on my journal and talking to the Lord, a cute tiny green bug decided to say hello.

I felt like God sent this beautiful creature to remind me of His love. If He cares about the tiniest details in this bug's body and made it so intricate and so beautiful, how much more would He do so for me? God, the Creator of the universe, Maker of the heavens and the earth, is writing my love story right now! Ahhh! I'm so excited for that day when He finally unfolds everything before my eyes!

My 2013

This year has been filled with so many awesome memories of seeing God’s hand in my life. He is so faithful! There were so many times that I have been faithless but He remained faithful, understanding, forgiving, gracious, and merciful to me!

I started the year feeling so down. Living in a country where I knew no one except my family. I felt like I was isolated from the rest of the world. I was stuck in my room most of the week just studying for my nursing licensure exam. My world slowed down while the rest of my friends back home went on with their lives. I felt left out and abandoned. And then the Lord blew me away when He brought me to Doulos, the young adults group at church. He opened my eyes to a completely different world that I never knew existed, and yet somehow, it felt like home.

With co-leaders from the Junior High Ministry, looking over Tijuana before we leave Mexico and head back to Vegas.

God made me go through a series of trials that shook my foundations and strengthened my faith. Some of those events included having a helicopter hovering above our house and being on the local news after 3 of our foster kids ran away, failing my first nursing licensure exam, failing my driving test 3 times, crashing my sister’s car, my brother-in-law having a heart attack, being rejected more than 250 times by employers, coming to the end of my strength in the first 4 weeks of orientation at the hospital, going through what I would call “my first heartbreak”, and incurring huge hospital bills for calling 911 because I thought my friend committed suicide. But I didn’t go through them alone. God sent me amazing friends who encouraged, sustained and prayed with me during the numerous times that I was so worn out and just about ready to give up.

Doulos Camping Trip at Zion National Park.

I can't find the words to describe how God used Doulos to impact my life. I like how one of my friends said it, "Doulos is something I never knew I needed 'til I had it." I tried a couple of times to write a blog about Doulos, but I felt that I couldn't justify in words what it's really like to be a part of it. Each individual is so special, with their own unique and beautiful stories of how God turned their life around. I could sit with one person for hours just hearing about God's marvelous deeds and learning from that person's life. I love each and every person in Doulos and we all feel the same way about each other. I don't know if it is the culture, but there were countless times when I found myself dumbfounded at how genuinely caring and loving these people are. Through observing their lives, God gave me a deeper understanding of what true love meant. Sometimes it would make me tear up just thinking to myself, "How can people I just barely met care so much about me?" And thinking about this always reminds me of this scripture,

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-45

Doulos 2nd Birthday at Pastor Derek's house. 

This year, I saw myself as a piece of clay being carefully molded in the hands of my Potter. At first, it seemed like nothing beautiful was gonna come out from this one pack of dirt. But as time passed by, I saw His plans slowly taking form in my life. Things started making sense. It was also humbling to witness the many rough edges that needed to be smoothed out in my character.

My first RN job at the hospital really stretched me and changed me beyond what I have foreseen. The first few weeks I found myself crying everyday and wanting to quit. There were so many times that I would come to a patient's room trying to fight my tears and put on a smile. Every single morning, I would be on my knees before the Lord begging for His strength to get me through another day. And every single day, His grace and mercies never failed! What Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 has never been more real to me,

"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Doulos Winter Retreat 2013 in Brianhead, Utah. 

At first, I would complain and ask the Lord to take me out of my miseries. There were times I would pray, "God, I just want to be in the mission field and serve You." But I felt Him clearly speak to my heart, "Adelle, I did not promise you an easy life. But I did promise to be with you. I want you to stay where you are right now. This is your mission field. I am molding and training you to become the person I want you to be. Are you willing to suffer for My name's sake?" This blew me away. He gradually turned my prayers from, "God, please make this day easy for me," to "God, open my eyes to Your divine appointments and give me the strength to go through this day with Your joy in my heart despite of the difficult circumstances." And as God began to change my heart, my eyes were opened to the divine appointments at my work place! There were so many instances when God gave me the opportunities to share the gospel and pray with a patient. Each of those moments were so beautiful and worth every ounce of pain that I went through!

I am sooooo excited for what God has in store for me this 2014! I know that there will be rough roads. But I have seen His provision and I have nothing but faith in my heart that I will overcome this year through His grace and mercy. I serve a faithful God and a loving Father!

Bring it on 2014!

Last night with our brother J before he flew to Mexico for a two-month mission internship. 

My Father Knows Me!

Yesterday was a day I will never forget. I got to volunteer as a nurse at Bless Fest 2013. It's something that my church does every year to bless the homeless people during Thanksgiving day. I have no idea how many people came but there were about 1500 volunteers from different churches all over Vegas.

I came there with a heart to bless others. But instead, it was I, that God ministered to. I met a homeless couple who are over 60 years old. I saw this Asian lady waiting in line to be seen by the doctor and felt like God wanted me to talk to her. So I came to her and started a conversation. I found out she was from South Korea, and so I started sharing to her how much I know about her country and how I want to become a missionary in North Korea. While we were talking, the other guy sitting next to her kept joining our conversation. At first I thought he just wanted to talk, but later on I found out they're actually a couple. They didn't tell me a lot about their story. For some reason, I felt like they were more interested to bless me than to be sharing about how much they struggle in life. They're both believers and are struggling to find a job at their age. Suddenly, the guy asked me, "Are you married?" He probably saw my purity ring and thought it was a marriage ring. I said I was single. And he said, "Pray that the Lord will bring a good man into your life." For some reason, his words warmed my heart. It was the first time someone cared enough about my love life. Somehow, I felt genuine love and concern from a total stranger.

As we ended our conversation, I asked if I could pray for them. After I was done praying, the guy offered to pray for me too. He prayed that God would bless me and bring me a good man who will take care of me and love me unconditionally. It was a precious moment.

This morning, as I was reflecting on what happened yesterday, God suddenly opened my eyes. He showed me that He sent that man, to let me feel how it's like to have a father for one day. I grew up not knowing what it's like to have a dad and I have been praying that God will bless me with a spiritual father. Yesterday, I realized that even though it was just for a brief moment, He answered my prayer. At that moment, I broke down in tears. For a short time, I felt how it was like to have a father who made me feel that I am important in his eyes, and that I am worthy of finding a good man who will take care of me and value me as God's precious daughter.

These past couple of months, I've been praying about my future husband. But somehow, I felt so silly to be thinking about this thing. I guess it's because I know I only long for it because I think getting married will solve my loneliness and will get rid of all my insecurities. But I know that's not true. Finding a future partner won't solve our problems. Once we get married, we will realize that God is still the lover of our souls and He is all we need.

I feel like no one really understands how I feel and no one is really genuinely interested to hear what I have to say about these things. But I feel like God is telling me right now, "Adelle, I'm just like that old man too. Even though you didn't have an earthly father, I am your Father. You are my precious daughter and I care about you. And even though it sounds like a silly thing, I care about your love life. I understand how you feel and I am willing to listen to what you have to say. But I don't want you to worry about this area in your life. Focus on Me, because no other love can satisfy more than the love I have for you. But I want you to know that I am preparing someone for you. Someone who knows you're worth. Someone who understands that he can't mess up with the precious daughter of the King. Someone who will give his best to love you as I love the church. Someone who will keep you focused on Me and keep you in the center of My will for your life."

There's just something so comforting and heart-warming in knowing that our Father knows us. He knows and He understands the inner longings and aches of our hearts. He knows how we think. He knows every fiber of our being. He knows our strengths and our weaknesses, our good deeds and our faults, yet He loves us just the same!

My Father knows me!

Invest in Eternity

"Only one life, 'twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last."

~ C. T. Studd

I met someone yesterday. We graduated from the same college. I was a year ahead of her. She's a really awesome person - very respectful, smart, enthusiastic, passionate, and hard-working. She works two full-time jobs as an RN. And at 21 years of age, she is already investing on her own house. She reminded me of someone -- the old "Adelle" -- full of dreams, ambitious, and driven. As we kept talking, I started to envy her in my heart, "I wish I can be like her. I wish I can just pursue all my dreams and not mind about missing out on all the mission trips and ministry opportunities." But I know that that's not what God wants me to do anymore. That's the old me, trying to take charge again.

After graduating from college, I started wondering about my future. I began forming in my mind, dreams of what I want to become, the career path that I want to take, what I want to accomplish, and the things I want to do in my lifetime. Of course, being a Christian, God had to be in the picture. I thought about so many different things: pursuing medicine to become a surgeon after I finish nursing, investing in stocks, putting up a business, or investing in realty. My ultimate goal was to retire early, have enough resources to fund myself to do medical missions, and proclaim the gospel wherever it has not been preached. At that time, I was waiting for my US petition to get approved. I thought to myself excitedly, "That sounds like a great plan! While waiting for my VISA, I'll study medicine and then move to the US. I'll be earning more and will get to accomplish my goals faster!" In my perspective, everything just seemed so well-written, perfectly sound and in line with God's heart.

One ordinary day, after more than a year of thinking about all my dreams, researching about the different ways I can achieve them, and planning the future, God began to speak to me. "What if I don't want you to become a doctor? What if I want you to serve Me in a different way? What if I ask you to give up your dreams and plans? Are you willing to give them to me?" This blew my mind away! The reality of eternity weighed heavily on my heart as I realized, "I have so many things I want to do in this lifetime, but I have only one life to live. And how I live it, will determine my place in eternity." Deep in my heart, all I wanted was to serve Jesus with my life and my gifts, but I forgot that the God's ways are higher than our ways. The world looks at wealth, accomplishments, and a successful career as measurements of a well-lived life. But the Lord desires our obedience and our intimacy with Him.

During that time, I kept a little journal where I wrote down all the plans and dreams that came to my mind. On that day, as I was holding it in my hands, praying, and struggling to lay everything down before God all my self-constructed and fleshly ideas of my future, He gave me this song:


"Let it All Go"

Verse 1:
I took out my precious little journal
Where I've written all my plans and dreams
I said, I don't need them anymore
Cause I know You've got it all planned out
And we both know, You write
Way better than I do

Chorus:
Oh, I'm not afraid to let it all go
Cause I know my future is secured
And I am not afraid to jump off the cliff
I'll trust Your words
I'll throw my hands in the air
I surrender all
I surrender all

Verse 2:
Many times I get knocked down
They laugh and say, I'm a fool to believe
But oh, I'll just get up and climb again
Though they think I've got it all wrong now
But I believe what You said
So I won't give up now


Sometimes I would still feel jealous of people who are pursuing their dreams or living the "good life." But every time I think about heaven, and Jesus and His love, all my doubts, fears, and regrets fade away. Investing in eternity is far more profitable than investing in this life. Everything on earth is temporary, and Jesus is far more worthy than anything this world can ever offer. One day, when we see Jesus face to face, everything will make sense. He is worthy!

City Harmonic at CCSV

Tonight was just so awesome. I love The City Harmonic. Eli's (the lead vocalist) prayer before the song "Holy" was just so beautiful. He said something about how the Church was so fragmented and broken inside, but how one day, we'll all be reunited in heaven. 

I look forward to that day when we'll all be reunited as one body worshiping God - no divisions, no denominations, no Evangelicals, no Baptists, no Protestants, no Pentecostals - just one church, the Bride of Christ in love with her Groom, just like how it's supposed to be, "...singing holy, holy, holy, is the Lord almighty!"

Brother Yun mentioned in his book, "The Heavenly Man," about how the Chinese church was just united as one body when it first started in the 1970's. People used to just smuggle Bibles in. But then the Westerners started bringing in books about denominations and stuff and that started dividing the church. It's just a sad sad reality. I wonder how God feels about it. His heart must be really grieved and crushed to see the church just divided and broken. :'( It's just sad. :(

Running in Circles

Do you know that feeling when one song just kind of hits home? When every line speaks what your heart's been crying out but couldn't voice out in words?

There's just been a lot going on in my life for the past weeks. My heart has been going through crazy storms. In two to three weeks, I'll be taking the licensure exam for nurses. I've been preparing for it for the last 7 months but I still feel like I don't know enough. I'd be honest, I am scared. What if I fail again? I'm not sure if I can take another 2 months of social isolation and mental exhaustion. There's also the family issues that's always a heavy cross to carry. As one conflict is resolved, another one comes up. There's no end to it. But above all these, my greatest struggle is within the heart. As I go through the trials and afflictions, my eyes are opened to the real condition of my heart -- my character, my faith, my values. I'm humbled to realize that after the 9 years of walking with the Lord, I still have a looooooong way to go.

Things are crazy. My heart is on a roller coaster ride. Sometimes, I myself don't understand how I actually feel. But after all, when did we ever have to depend on the emotion? The heart is deceitful above all. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

Why do I always forget that it's only Jesus who can calm the storm and give me peace? Why do I always forget to look on His face?

Running in Circles – United Pursuit Band 

I'm so forgetful, but You always remind me 

You're the only one who brings me peace 

You're the only one who brings me peace 

So I come, Lord I come 

I come, Lord I come

To tell you I love You 

To tell you I need You 

To tell You there's no better place for me than in Your arms 

To tell You I'm sorry 

For running in circles 

For placing my focus on the waves, not on Your face 

You're the only one who brings me peace 

You're the only one who brings me peace 

In the storm 

In the storm

My Secret Place

I miss this. I used to love sitting on this spot, looking over the beautiful view, hearing the train and cars pass by, seeing people on the streets as they rush to work or school early in the morning just before sunrise, or watching my neighbors' lights go off one by one at night as I enjoy the cold evening breeze. I would sit there just conversing with Jesus or playing my guitar and singing songs to Him.

The balcony was my favorite spot in the house. Each time I felt lonely, I'd go there and pray, and I'd feel God's warmth comfort me. It was my hiding place, my secret place. There were times that the daily struggles would just so overwhelm me that I'd look forward to coming home and going there to meet with my God and just lay at His feet all the heavy baggage I've been carrying. I'd close the blinds, shut the door, and stay there until all my tears dried up. I'd come out feeling so light, refreshed, happy, and satisfied. I just encountered the living God!



When I moved out here to Vegas, I immediately looked for a similar spot, and fell in love with the couch at the backyard. Although it was always covered with tiny desert dusts and I always felt like my nose was a vacuum suctioning them all in with every breath I took, and our backyard looked like a wilderness, I still loved it there. In the morning, I would hear birds chirping.

I remember how Moses would go to the tabernacle to meet with God and Joshua would wait outside and linger in God's presence. Each time they wanted to meet with God, they had to go to a physical tabernacle. But that was the old covenant, before Jesus' death and resurrection tore the veil and made the way for us to approach God unrestricted by the laws. What a blessing!

God made me realize that it doesn't matter where we spend time with Him. As long as we are there for one sole purpose, which is to seek His face, then He will come meet with us. Anywhere we go to make an altar of praise, that is where God's presence will dwell. And where the presence of God is, that is our secret place.

Where do you love to spend time with God? ^__^

Let it go, Adelle.

Let it go, Adelle.
If it's God's will,
It will happen
On its own.
If it's not,
You saved yourself
A heartache. 😥


"Don't worry. Be happy!" - Jollibee 😌

First Time to Drive by Myself

So my mom called and her friend said she rushed her husband to the hospital. Her friend needed panties and also briefs for the husband. Now, my mom is at work so she asked if I could do it for her. And I obliged.

I drove to the nearest Walmart. I was looking through the men's section and all I could see were "boys" briefs, I'm not sure if that can be used by adults. There was only one person in the isle with me, and he looked like a teenager so I thought it was perfect, it wouldn't be too awkward. I approached him and he looked surprised. "I have a question, is 'boys' different from 'mens'?" What a stupid question! "Would you know where the men's are cause I need to buy briefs for a friend." Why am I explaining? And as if that helped! The boy looked at me like I was a lady pervert! So there I was standing in utter humiliation, and I told myself, "What were you thinking, Adelle? Move away now! Quickly!" And so yeah, I turned my back and ran off from his sight.

I eventually found the men's briefs at the rack close to the counters. Thank God there was no one there in the isle! So I tried my best to grab the right set of briefs as quickly as possible and went my way to the cashier.

Anyway, so after that, I went straight to the hospital, handed them the briefs, and drove back home. As I was driving and each time I remembered what happened, I couldn't stop giggling.

So that's the account of my first time to drive alone. I'm never buying briefs ever again!!!

Faith of a Child

It's been quite a while since something made me cry. For those who know me, that'll be a surprise, since I loved crying as much as I did, laughing. So I've been asking God, trying to figure out why I've grown numb and how I got lost in the doldrums of everyday life. And tonight, God used a little boy to teach me something...

That is, God knows our whereabouts, and He's just waiting for us to approach Him and throw Him the "hard" questions... Because He does have the answers. And sometimes, the answers to the most complex questions we can ever think of, are actually pretty simple.

Why I don't make sense.

There is something I have yet to master. Or I'm not sure if I ever will. Discerning between what can be known, what can't be known, and the most crucial -- what must be known. My head keeps spinning. I want it to stop so I can have my peace. But I'm not sure if it should stop. So either I think of how to stop it, or if I need to stop it. Then my head just keeps on spinning. It's an endless downward spiral. Well, at least, that's how I imagine it to be like -- it's the alternative ending if I don't explode into a myriad mess of incongruencies, which is what happens most of the time.

I used to wonder why I frequently have messed up thoughts. It's because I so easily give up when the going gets tough. I collect  pieces of a puzzle and expect them to make sense right away. Then I give in to my frustrations.

Trailblazers, they're the exact opposite of my kind. They make good sense of things that other people have given up on. They break through the unknowns, and leave traces -- evidences of the bravery of their souls.

But I have not lost hope. I still keep trying. I dream of becoming a pioneer. In what way? Only God knows. I thank God there is still hope for seemingly senseless people like me. =p

The "Superman" Syndrome

Unnoticeably, undesirably, it settles in as though we haven’t struggled to keep it out as it was creeping in. It’s a syndrome which I like to call the “Superman” Christianity. It’s when we tend to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to and we become less reflective of the gospel than we ought to be. We walk around showing off our superman costumes, without caring much about the people who have just entered the room dressed in filthy rags with their heads tilted down. It’s as though we have forgotten how we looked like when Jesus first had pity on us. We must, through His grace alone, remember to always consider others better than ourselves.

New Chapter: Off to Conquer the West

In two weeks time, I'll be migrating to the US to live with my mom and my sister's family in Nevada. This'll add a new literal meaning to my being the "Homesick Wanderer." It still feels a bit surreal. New country, new people, new culture, new surrounding. For sure, the adjustments in the next few weeks, months, and years won't come easy. But I have nothing to worry about because my God is my guide!

On this 2nd of October 2012, the homesick wanderer is off to conquer the west!

Eureka!

It's not as simple. No. It doesn't end in that eureka moment. Because after that, you'll have to think whether or not you're willing to commit yourself to it. Not everything you find is for your keeping, and not every good road you discover is for your treading. It takes one brave soul to let pass that one great eureka moment... to wait for the greater one.

I miss you...

Dear you,

I wish one day I could hang your paintings on my wall and gaze at them while wondering what you were thinking as you made each stroke on the canvas. I wish someone kept some of your blueprints. I could stare at them all day and imagine you standing right next to me, explaining your designs, and telling me interesting stories behind them.

They don't mention you too often. Until now, the mere thought of you is still painful. Perhaps they've drowned their memories of you deep down into the abyss until they hurt no more. Should I just do likewise? But no, that's not how I want to cope. I'd like to keep you in my heart, to celebrate your life, and to think of you as often as I can, until I get used to the pain and until your memories emerge as a beautiful patch woven into the great tapestry that God is weaving in my life.

I wish we had met. If I knew any better then, I would have told you how much I love you, and that I'm so proud of you. I cannot begin to imagine how you lived through all those years. You must have had it rough. It must have been hard being you.

Anyway, I just dropped by to say... I miss you. And though I never got to tell you, I do love you.

Sincerely,
Adelle

Baffled and Hurting

I know I'm not the only person to experience it. I know that. But can I just say, that that truth doesn't make it hurt any less? It hurts a lot! It cuts to the core! And I don't know what to do, or how to respond.

If it was just me, I wouldn't mind bearing the cross! But why does it feel like I'm inevitably passing the burden on other people? This is my cross. It should only hurt for me. But why should they be included in this? Why should they suffer for my decisions? Should my seemingly selfish pursuit of my own righteousness lead them to their deathbeds? They ask me these questions and I honestly don't know how to answer them.

I'm not mad at You. I'm not complaining. I'm not doubting You. I'm just confused. I don't know what to do. I need answers, Lord. Help me. T.T

The Old Me vs. the New Me

I can't remember when things started to be different. Looking at myself right now and reading some of my old entries here, I feel like I miss that old me. When did I even start becoming someone unfamiliar?

I know I've grown a lot the past 2 years or so. But why does something seem wrong? Why do I seem like I'm trying to prove myself? Who have I been trying to impress? Why do I see a person who is unsure of herself?

I wish I can look my old self in the eye and tell her, "I'm much better now," but I can't. The truth is, I'm not so sure anymore.

But one thing I know, by the grace and mercy of God, I can always start all over again. So that's where I'm headed for... a better ME. This me now, will soon be someone I can look in the eye and tell her, "I'm much better now. Thank you for having that courage to admit that you needed to change something."  :)

Winter Season

Sometimes, God brings us to a winter season in our lives when everything seems cold and silent. Yet in this time of dormancy, beneath the thick blanket of snow, He is preparing for something beautiful...

15 Months Post Grad

Praying... waiting... praying... and waiting on God. It's been almost 15 months since I graduated from college, 4 months since I passed the board exam, and I'm still unemployed. Alam mo yun! That feeling of seeing your batch mates getting into hospitals, doing the real thing, building their careers, and earning money; and people asking me questions like "Kumusta ka na?" or "Anong plano mo?"

Sometimes I think to myself, "Why don't I just go look for a job and start working?" If only it was as easy as that. And if it was just up to me, I don't really care how long it takes as long as I'm inside the will of God. That's all that matters naman di ba? But what makes it difficult are the people most affected by my every decision - my family.

Haayy... It's a painful process. But I know that God has not turned a deaf ear to my prayers. So I will keep praying... waiting... praying... and waiting on God... until I receive that breakthrough! :)

"Winter experiences are sometimes very perplexing
to the Christian because winter is a time when everything lies
dormant. During our winter experience, we look at ourselves
and think we are not moving on. We wonder what has happened...
...We must remember that there is still a work going on deep in our
hearts when God draws us aside in our wintertime experiences,
it is not a time to become depressed or to feel sorry for ourselves.
Rather, it is a time to seek the Lord, a time to be engaged in
intercession and waiting before Him." - Ptr. Brian Bailey (The Bride)

Eight and a half

Eight and a half years. It used to be simple. Perhaps I've gotten old or so I thought. Perhaps I've spent too much time, poured in too many thoughts, pushed too far in trying to explain something I can never fully comprehend...and made it too complicated than it actually is. Can I just say this plainly?

I LOVE YOU JESUS. =')

In the Battlefield

I've walked miles and miles on a wounded leg leaving footprints of blood everywhere. With every step I take, I wish I could sit for a while and rest, talk to a friend and cry. But as I look around me, all I see are casualties -- no place to rest, no friend to talk to, no time for drama.

But when all else fails, hope remains... and so I keep going... this is life in the battlefield. 

Grief.

It's weird for me to be writing about something I've not experienced recently. But it's just that I've seen it more than once in the past weeks and it's taking its toll on me.

Last Tuesday, I found out an old friend's dad passed away. I went to the funeral along with another friend. When we arrived, he was in a room with his family, in front of his laptop, and doing facebook. He seemed okay. Or perhaps he wanted to make people believe he was okay. But as we gazed at him, I could see he was trying to escape the pain. I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't know how to. His girlfriend called him out to tell him his friends came to visit. I asked him how he was doing. He told us how it happened. I saw his eyes, it still hadn't sunk in. I asked if I could pray for him, he nodded. All four of us gathered into a circle, we all bowed, our heads leaned toward each other in some sense of weakness. After praying, we all hugged each other to comfort him. My friend and I sat down for a while at some distance to give him space. After a few seconds, he just broke down. He went to his dad's casket and he couldn't hold himself up. He was kneeling on the floor, bawling out, and nothing anyone could say or do, could lessen his pain. We all just watched. Seeing him from afar, I felt his pain. It was not just empathy, it was sympathy. I was crying in my seat, I felt his pain, and it was as real to me.

I'm a nurse. The reality of death and people losing their loved ones are not some uncommon scenes. We deal with it almost everyday. We are trained to listen and to empathize, but strongly warned not to sympathize. I know the difference. But I'm just not good at hiding my emotions. When I sense it getting to me, I try to hide somewhere to let out my tears. Perhaps I'm not a good nurse? I don't know. Or maybe death is just something I will never get used to.

"Adam there needs to be a grieving process, and the Lord's the one who carries you through it. It takes time. It takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who've lost a loved one, that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and an intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain. And the hard choice for you is whether or not you're going to be angry for the time you didn't have..., or grateful for the time that you did have." - from the movie Courageous (2011)

Losing a loved one. Grief. We can try, but no words will ever be enough to describe the feeling.

Nursing Licensure Exam

Just an update.

Yay! Results are out. I passed the Nursing Licensure Exam! I'm now an RN! To God be all glory! What a sweet victory for Jesus! ^__^

Nursing Licensure Exam: Waiting...

Anytime now, lalabas na ang results ng December 2011 Nurse Licensure Examination na kinuha namin. Anong nararamdaman ko? Hmmm...

"Hindi ka kumuha ng nursing para makapasa sa board. Nag-aral ka ng nursing dahil gusto mong maging nurse!" - BoN Marco Antonio C. Sto. Tomas

At dahil gusto mong maging nurse... and you know for sure God called you to become a nurse... pagsisikapan mong maipasa ang board exam. Kahit ilang take pa yan!

Sa ngayon... I'm patiently waiting...persistently praying...faithfully believing..."Whatever is His will...ALL IS WELL." ^__^

Panatag ako, hindi dahil sa kumpyansa akong pasado na...pero dahil alam kong anuman mangyari, alam kong binigay ko ang best ko para sa Panginoon. Kaya kung tatanungin niyo ako kung kinakabahan ako, mapagkamalan nang mayabang pero sa totoo lang, hindi talaga. Kung pumasa, salamat sa Dios! Kung hindi, salamat pa rin sa Kanya! Ibig sabihin lang, hindi pa para sa akin...baka may kailangan pa akong aralin na hindi ko naaral at nakasalalay dun ang buhay ng isang magiging pasyente ko. Hindi titigil ang ikot ng mundo kung bumagsak man ako. I will just keep fighting. ^__^ Pero kung pumasa ako, aba siempre! Glory to God! Handa? Libre? Tsaka na... pag may trabaho na ako. HAHA!

Psalm 130:5

"I wait for the LORD,

my soul waits,

and in His word

I put my HOPE."

Para sa mga kasabayan kong naghihintay din, may God grant us peace, faith, hope, and perhaps...COURAGE...dahil para sa karamihan sa atin, hindi lang ganun kadali yun.

Mahirap talaga ang maghintay sa isang bagay na walang kasiguraduhan... Pero kailangan natin magpatuloy. Keep fighting, keep believing! :)

Joy

Each soul longs for that joy...
…that joy which CS Lewis would describe as something which is not the satisfaction of a desire, but an unsatisfied desire which itself is more desirable than any other satisfaction

…that joy which quenches an obscure thirst for an enigma

…that joy which is so real yet at the same time so intangible.

That joy can only be found in knowing one’s Maker and living according to the purposes for which one was primarily fashioned for.

Discipleship Group

There was a time in our lives when we were the only people who knew the real stuff about everything that's happening to everyone. We were the closest people to each other. But so many things have happened since then, so many things have changed, and we may feel like we've grown so far apart or that we're living different lives now. But like what ate Pola said, "We may be far apart from each other right now, but we're all growing on the same direction." I missed you sisses! HUGS & KISSES! ^__^ Let's keep on pressing on! Let's keep running this race! God bless!

*DG = Discipleship Group