Grief.

It's weird for me to be writing about something I've not experienced recently. But it's just that I've seen it more than once in the past weeks and it's taking its toll on me.

Last Tuesday, I found out an old friend's dad passed away. I went to the funeral along with another friend. When we arrived, he was in a room with his family, in front of his laptop, and doing facebook. He seemed okay. Or perhaps he wanted to make people believe he was okay. But as we gazed at him, I could see he was trying to escape the pain. I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't know how to. His girlfriend called him out to tell him his friends came to visit. I asked him how he was doing. He told us how it happened. I saw his eyes, it still hadn't sunk in. I asked if I could pray for him, he nodded. All four of us gathered into a circle, we all bowed, our heads leaned toward each other in some sense of weakness. After praying, we all hugged each other to comfort him. My friend and I sat down for a while at some distance to give him space. After a few seconds, he just broke down. He went to his dad's casket and he couldn't hold himself up. He was kneeling on the floor, bawling out, and nothing anyone could say or do, could lessen his pain. We all just watched. Seeing him from afar, I felt his pain. It was not just empathy, it was sympathy. I was crying in my seat, I felt his pain, and it was as real to me.

I'm a nurse. The reality of death and people losing their loved ones are not some uncommon scenes. We deal with it almost everyday. We are trained to listen and to empathize, but strongly warned not to sympathize. I know the difference. But I'm just not good at hiding my emotions. When I sense it getting to me, I try to hide somewhere to let out my tears. Perhaps I'm not a good nurse? I don't know. Or maybe death is just something I will never get used to.

"Adam there needs to be a grieving process, and the Lord's the one who carries you through it. It takes time. It takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who've lost a loved one, that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and an intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain. And the hard choice for you is whether or not you're going to be angry for the time you didn't have..., or grateful for the time that you did have." - from the movie Courageous (2011)

Losing a loved one. Grief. We can try, but no words will ever be enough to describe the feeling.